Until recently whenever Donald Trump said anything it was all but guaranteed to be horrifyingly hilarious. Indeed, Trump has complied quite the record of head shaking quotes including the notable highlights of when he: alluded to possibly dating his own daughter; compared gay marriage to a golf putter to prove himself a traditionalists; brought up Obama’s birth certificate for the five millionth time (spoiler alter: he was born in Hawaii); started a public feud with Rosie O’Donnell; and, publically condemned Beyonce’s 2013 Superbowl half-time show as too “suggestive” and “inappropriate” (seemingly forgetting that he runs a beauty pageant where women are required to wear revealing bikinis and dance on stage). Donald Trump was essentially America’s crazy drunk uncle who showed up at family gatherings to spew some crazy talk and remind everyone how rich he is.
That was until the drunk uncle decided to run for President. As his official website states, Trump plans to “Make America Great Again.” If that slogan sounds oddly familiar it is because it was coined and used by Ronald Reagan during his Presidential election. It seems like Trump inherited his fortune from his father and his ideas from a man his father supported. Trump 1, Originality 0.
However, to be fair to Trump, his political views are almost lock step with what right-winged Republicans are looking for: a fiscal conservative, dedicated to tax reform and repealing the Affordable Care Act. He is anti-China and pro-Israel in terms of foreign policy, pro-America’s second amendment right to bear arms, and a traditionalist on most social issues (although he has flip-flopped on a woman’s right to choose). He is a typical star-spangled-banner-loving American exceptionalist who bleeds red-white-and-blue in his pursuit of a free-market capitalist utopia.
Moreover, his political strategy is almost disgustingly sophisticated. He knows that attempting to appeal to traditionally Democrat voters or moderates would be a waste of his time so, instead, he is putting all of his energy into winning over the disenfranchised right wing. Right now, he is appealing not only to the right leaning members of the Republican Party, but to members of the Tea Party as well. He is an outsider to Washington, grasping the Republican voters who believe that they are not being heard by traditional Republican career politicians. There has been a general disdain within the Republican Party regarding Obama’s immigration policies and Trump is playing off those sentiments. His website highlights all the conservative buzzwords including free-market, strong family, and strong military.
Unfortunately for other Republican candidates (and for humanity in general), Trump is currently leading in the polls as a favorite for the Republican nomination. For example, in New Hampshire, he is currently 12 percentage points ahead of Jeb Bush and has been pulling votes primarily away from Scott Walker, Chris Christie, and Ted Cruz. Although he is very public in his belief that Mexicans are rapists, prisoners of war don’t deserve respect, and giving out people’s personal phone numbers on air is perfectly normal and appropriate, it appears that many Republican voters are un-phased and support him anyway. Trump has seemingly taken joy in attacking and humiliating his opponents both professionally and personally. Given his front runner status, he will be participating in the Prime Time Debate Thursday, August 6th and, given his experience in reality television, it is guaranteed to be nothing short of a spectacle.
Now if you want “The Donald” but agree that Trump belongs nowhere near the White House, let me offer you a perfect alternative Republican candidate. Although he has yet to declare, this figure has the potential to revive the Republican Party and beat Hillary…the Democrat Candidate…in 2016. Born June 9, 1934, this candidate has everything the Republican Party needs to be successful. He has vast experience in the public sector having worked both as a sailor in the Navy and later in the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development. Due to his experiences working in an artillery factory in Germany under the Nazi Regime in World War II, he is starkly pro-democracy and a believer that the ideas of American liberty and freedom need to be promoted internationally.
In terms of personal leadership, he has a positive outlook on life but also a very short temper. He will not sit down as other international leaders like Vladimir Putin walk all over him. His temper allows for him to channel his fear into anger and never back down from an important fight. He is physically strong, once saving himself and his nephews from a shark attack by fighting the shark with his bare hands, but also know when to be welcoming and respectful. Unlike Trump (who claims to support traditional marriage despite the fact that he is already on wife number three), this candidate has been with his longtime partner Daisy for almost all of his adult life. The couple does not have any children of their own, however, they do care for their aforementioned three young and impressionable nephews.
Like Trump, he has extensive experience in the entertainment world. His first appearance occurred shortly after his birth in 1934 and since then he has gone on to star in seven featured films, made appearances in eight additional feature length films, countless short films and television shows, as well as in books, video games, and comics. He won his first Oscar at the age of nine years old in 1943 and finally got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2005. Due to his unyielding support for all military personnel who have sacrificed for this country, especially the Prisoners of War, he also acts as the official mascot from the army Air Corps 309th Fighter Squadron and the US Coast Guard Axillary.
An important issue in this election will be enhancing America’s reputation abroad. For his entire life, this candidate has been promoting American ideals and the American dream internationally-he has won over the hearts and minds of millions of people around the world. He is well prepared to deal with a growing Asia as he has vacation homes in Tokyo, Hong Kong, and Shanghai and has been spending decades learning the cultures and customs while building positive relations. In the Eurozone, he has had great success as well. Socially, his vacation home in Paris has allowed him to travel throughout the continent in order to understand the social, economic, and political issues facing our European allies. The people of Sweden have been so impressed with him that in all of their national elections over the past twenty years, his name has been written in on enough ballots that he is theoretically the 9th most popular political figure in the country. (Unfortunately due to residency laws and logistics he was never able to officially be elected). He has also gained political support in Finnish elections.
His political prowess is not limited only to Europe. Despite never officially entering the American political world, he has gained write in votes in every single state, even on Presidential ballots. It is clear that America is ready for a candidate like him. Someone who is ready to stand up for the American Dream, internationally known and respected by people of all generations, with the ability to make a much needed connection between the Republican Party and younger generations. So please, if you insist on having “The Donald” I urge you to vote Donald Duck, not Donald Trump, as your Republican Nominee.